Retail Death Watch 2015 In my last post I started listing the number of stores that are closing / are closed. 2014 was a rough year for retail, and we are now feeling it through store closures in the beginning weeks of 2015.
SkyMall announced last week that they are dunzo. BAH! Not SkyMall! As a nervous flyer, I could always count on the ridiculousness of SkyMall to calm me down JUST a bit. Shifting through that germ-laden catalogue made me laugh. It always made me think that I, too, could become a millionaire through some bizarre invention.
Am I saying that SkyMall was the embodiment of the American dream? You would read SkyMall while flying to another destination (i.e. Manifest Destiny) and encounter products that you could purchase (consumerism) to fix an issue you didn't even know you had! And, someone was getting rich off the entire experience (capitalism!). So, yes, SkyMall WAS the embodiment of the American Dream.
In the immortal words of Eddie Izzard, "The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBTLBTLBT! That's a pretty good dream."
Now, let's look at some of my favorite SkyMall moments.
SkyMall Sold a Theo Huxtable Shirt
I'm kinda loathe to make a Cosby reference these days, but let's stay on the brighter side of things and just talk about Theo and Denise. In the episode, "A Shirt Story," Denise promised to make Theo an exact replica of a designer shirt that he couldn't afford. The result looked VERY close to the above picture.
SkyMall sold Theo Huxtable shirts, ya'll.
This product was made of 10 different types of fabrics. AND they wouldn't tell you the color / pattern before you ordered. Why, you ask? Because it was a work of art, people. Here's sample copy (I know because I wrote it down when I took this picture):
"Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened."
"All shirts are a piece of art and patterns are never repeated."
These people thought we were as dumb as a box of rocks. But SOMEBODY out there ordered this shirt because I saw it in the catalogue on multiple flights at different times. WHO BOUGHT THESE SHIRTS? I am totally, completely not into shaming people based on clothing choices. But, if you have one of these shirts in your closet, please, Boo, just hire me. You need me. I can make your life so much easier.
SkyMall Sells Other Things You Need
This photo originally went up on my Instagram page after a particularly rocky flight to Boston. I was a ball of nerves because a) the weather was horrible b) we had to change planes due to "mechanical problems" and c) were we REALLY going to take off with the threat of ice and sleet? (Answer: yes.)
So, I kept myself busy with the SkyMall catalogue. What is this stuff, you ask? It's gold, friends. You are looking at gold. Starting at the top:
1. Stuffed squirrel. Nothing says "welcome home" like seeing a squirrel on a wall!
2. Two words: BURRITO BABY
3. Now I know what love is animal gravestone.
4. Pierogi Christmas tree decoration.
5. Armadillo beer can holder. When you get too tired of holding your beer, let the armadillo do it!!
It's just the end of an era, guys.
So, SkyMall goes on the Retail Death Headstone.